these are my memories; precious memories.

Sunday, June 12, 2005
1:19 PM
wouldn't it be nice.*

i am back to the days when sighing is part of my hourly routine. i wonder why.

today i found out that jessica has a blog. *startling revelation* marcus(i think it was marcus) tried calling me many many times from a public phone in the airport in a desperate attempt to inform me of his departure for thailand. all that time i could not pick up his calls because i was in church service, and it would be very rude to answer a call in service. i thought it was one of my band friends as there was a number so i tried calling back but to no avail. and right now marcus has probably landed already so i wish him all the best and lots of fun in thailand even though there has been recent, unnerving news about shootings in thailand and i pray that he will be okay.

i am sorry that i sound so detached and stiff today, and that my sentances are long and incomprehensible. i somehow lack the willpower and strength to make my entry look nice and humorous such that it can entertain you. it is my fault, as it always has been. i apologise for the inconvenience caused.

maybe it's because of tomorrow's band interview. i'm practically shaking already. a million and one scenarios are running through my head, followed by a million and one questions with a million and one model answers and yet somehow i know that when i step into the room tomorrow, everything will just go blank and all my 'planning beforehand' sh*t that i'm doing now will go to waste.
i know that once i step into the room, the intimidating aura of daniel, julian(especially julian), dr lee, and mr lim will probably grapple and choke me, and threaten to make me run from the room crying.
i know that when i step into the room, i'll lose my voice, my train of thought, my confidence, my calm, my nerves and maybe my marbles.
i know that when i step into the room, my chest will just tighten up the way it does when i'm freaking out, cutting off my air supply and make me dizzy, and my heart will probably stop beating as i break out in cold sweat.
i know that once i step into the room, i probably won't even have enough strength to walk to the chair and sit down, much less talk.
i know that when i step into the room, the air will feel thick and stuffy no matter how low the temperature is, and i know i won't have enough air.
i know that when i step into the room, they'll probably think what a loser i am, trying for a position when i have zilch experience and didn't even care enough back where i came from.
i know that when i step into the room, they'll expect me to have all the answers to all their questions and wonder how i'm ever going to make it in life when i have none.
i know that when i step into the room, they're probably all ready to kill me with their questions and scary, penetrating stares.
i know that when i step into the room, they'll see the sweat beading on my forehead, my hands wringed in nervousness and desperation, and my heart hammering away merrily.
i know that when i step into the room, they'll be wondering if this scared, pathetic creature in front of them is even leader material, and whether they should just ask me to leave the room and forget i ever existed, or better still, ask me to find out what the heck i'm doing on this planet.

ahh damnit. my thoughts are running wild.

it's true. i don't have any experience whatsoever. except the past three months being class rep, but that's it. i don't know how to run a small organization, much less a band. but i guess the one thing that's in my favor is that i'm willing to learn. yup.. i should think that way, instead of all the negative thoughts up there.. but i kinda feel better now that i got them out. i think. they're so intimidating. i feel scared just thinking about it.

there's a tightness in my chest i can't explain.. and a pain in my tummy. oww.

the memories
so dear