these are my memories; precious memories.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004
11:03 AM
dots*

Well. I wasn't supposed to be online, not at this time. Because I was supposed to be watching the earliest screening of Phantom Of The Opera, or as Michelle says, POTO. The acronym stumped me there for a moment.. xD It's not as simple as POTC(which could either be Pirates of the Caribbean or Passion of the Christ), or even LOTR(we all know what that stands for). Four-letter acronyms are annoying. Heck, all acronyms are annoying, at least, if you have no idea what it stands for. And needless to say, I'm either fairly stupid or fairly slow. Make your choice.

So when she asked me if I wanted to watch POTO, my first(and natural) response was "Huh? What the heck?"

Maybe I'm making a big thing out of nothing, which I am, now that I think about it, but I just desperately need something to blog about, I'm feeling pensive again.

And so this morning I woke up feeling great not because I'd be watching a movie about some delinquent child growing up to kidnap a pretty woman for his selfish love, but because I'd be seeing my friends. And so fate deals me a cruel blow.

"Ahh, I don't think I'm going."
"I don't feel like going out today."

Now, if I were interested in the movie, I would have gone and watched it myself. But that's just not me. Although I wouldn't mind watching Alexander by myself, and for all the wrong reasons, too. Pity they had to rate it M18, it would have made a pretty interesting weekend movie. And pity people I want to hang out with, especially now, are overseas, where they can't be contacted even. Tis sad, for me anyways.

Other people are fantastically busy with their lives, while here I am rotting away at home. I can't wait for school to start, but I think I must be the only one looking forward to the new school year. Perhaps in school I have something to do, at least. It may also be due to my amazing lack of involvement in any external organizations, music or otherwise. I have never taken it upon myself to do something useful during this month, after the O Levels, and I have never strived for what I wanted to achieve in my music life. I haven't taken up any courses, I haven't learnt anything. It's an amazingly boring holiday.

Perhaps another reason for my boredom is because I'm not involved in band practices anymore. It used to be that every week I would have to return to school at least twice for practices, which, although I continuously complained about, I thoroughly enjoyed. Even after I was, shall we say, 'released' from band practices, it never stopped me from playing the tuba, my one true love, under the pretense of 'O Level Higher Music', which was true, to some extent. I always practiced by myself, and that meant playing stuff I wasn't supposed to play. But it was fun. I loved my tuba, I loved the sound, the 'solidness' of it, the sturdiness, the un-acknowledged importance of it. Of course, every instrument is important, but this particular metal instrument holds a very special place in my heart.

Ahh, I digress.

Even after O Levels, there was the TJ band tune-in to look forward to. In the short span of a month, I grew to love this band that I knew I would soon have to leave behind. I picked up with the Bb from where I left off in sec2, had trouble just grasping the fingering again, but I enjoyed it. Music is such a big part of my life. I worked hard at it, hoping that there might even be a 0.000001% chance that I could make it into TJ, and continue with this band that has such a strong sense of togetherness, a wonderful band spirit and electrifying atmosphere that I fear I may not be able to find anywhere else. Unfortunately I guess that God has other plans for me.. I was placed into TPJC, and I had to say goodbye to the TJCSB in the form of Fiesta: Grafito.

I digress again.. Tsk.

And now, after returning from Hongkong, where I had an undeniably good time, I find myself doing.. Nothing. I have no inspiration to create new blogskins, no heart to put into my stories(which I would like to continue to write), and no strength to go a-wandering on my own. Now, I have even lesser reason to smile(or more, depends on how you look at things). It seems that I'm experiencing 'an emotional burn-out', as someone once told me. I feel listless, tired, wanting nothing except the company of good friends or the warmth of my bed.

Or then again, it may be the fact that I'm actually sick, something that doesn't happen too often.

Next year, I can hopefully look forward to more activities, more involvement, more music, and more friends. I don't care what people think, what people say, but I'll still be joining the band, where my passion for music first bloomed, when I first saw the instrument I would grow to love and play for the remainder of my music life. I know I said in my previous post that I wanted to learn a new instrument, but that's not because I've grown tired of the tuba. Oh, no. It's only because I would like some diversity in my music, seriously. Because my dream is to play in an orchestra, as in, to be a permanent member of an orchestra, whether it is the NUSSO or the SNYO. And despite the tuba's importance in band music, there is a significant lack of pieces for orchestra including the tuba. Instead of just listening to the orchestra at times, the way I did early this year during the NUSSO camp, and subsequently, Rhythms and Rhapsodies. No, I would wish to be a part of the music, not a spectator. I want to play the notes with the orchestra, on an instrument, where feelings can be expressed, instead of sitting in the very last row of the concert hall, waiting for the signal when I would be needed on stage again. It doesn't matter whether I'm in the limelight or just a supporter for a soloist. Everything about the music just feels different when you're on stage performing, than when you're listening in the concert hall.

Maybe it's because you know that all your efforts for the song has paid off. Maybe it's the thrill of being on stage. Maybe it's knowing that you have to do your very best, and nothing less than that would be accepted, for me anyways.

I've always loved the stage. Since I was a little kid, I've been taking part in drama, performed in skits(which have won prizes, by the way). I've been a part of a musical as a member of the choir(amazing but true, now I can't sing to save my life), and after coming to TKGS, been a member of the TKGSSB for four marvelous years. Playing comes naturally to me now. I find it amazing that I have grown so attached to my instrument(or, heheh, my laogong). Some people don't understand that part of me(Peter certainly doesn't.. Haha), but I don't need people to understand. My love for the tuba is, well, I wouldn't say selfless, but perhaps neverending.. I would hope it so. I would love to have my own tuba, something to call my own, something to take care of, something to be mine.

Am I asking for too much? After all, it's not like the tuba is the cheapest of brass instruments. That's also part of the driving force behind why I want to learn another instrument. Something to be mine.

My parents are worried that I'll neglect my studies because of music. Although I assure them that I won't, they still worry. After all, I would be choosing a course next year that lets me do what I enjoy just as much as music - math. I think mathematics is beautiful. I enjoy manupliating numbers and functions, applying different means and ways to solve equations and problems, seeing where it'll lead me. I don't care what other people think, whether they hate maths or.. Just hate math. But math is the building block of everything, even music. Math is required to find out the frequency of a pitch, to gauge the frequency of the next note. Of course, that's all simple math, but the point is the same: everything is built on math. But the math I'm hoping to do will probably be much more challenging, something for me to think about and understand, before applying. People probably think I'm crazy, but if you tell me that the only subject worth doing is physics, I'd probably think you crazy too.

But I digress! This is why I cannot write lengthy essays for History.. Oh well.

I shall stop here before this post gets any longer.

One last thing before I go, though: Long enough for you, Cuiyin? ;)

the memories
so dear